The Onion will light your hair on fire. The satirical website regularly takes aim at all kinds of news stories, but their sharp irreverence for the White-Sox rebuild will make you angry-laugh.
It is a short read and worth the 30 seconds wasted in an emotional quandary.
“CHICAGO—As part of an effort to boost attendance by offering a more up-close-and-personal experience, the Chicago White Sox announced a new promotion Thursday that puts the first nine fans arriving at the ballpark in the starting lineup. “Starting next week, we will bring down several lucky fans for a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to meet their favorite players on the field and then take their place in the starting lineup for a full nine innings,” said team Chairman Jerry Reinsdorf, adding that each of the fans will receive a complimentary hat, pair of cleats, and scouting reports before representing the White Sox against the best players in the Major Leagues. “Fans should try and make it as early as possible, because the very first person we see in the parking lot will be thrown onto the mound for the chance to go seven innings as our starting pitcher, while one honors student from a local school will fulfill his big-league dreams by managing the team. And don’t worry if you can’t make it this week, because this promotion will be running for every White Sox home game this season.” Reinsdorf added that a few people would enjoy the unforgettable memories of representing the White Sox while also providing a much better experience for fans watching in the stands.”
It’s ok to laugh…we did too. No one is going to question your loyalty to the South Siders for indulging in this playful exercise. But to The Onion I say, be careful, my friend. We won’t take much more of these shenanigans as we rise from the ashes like a phoenix.
