CHICAGO – After many months of mental preparation Darrell Farnes is ready. Today is the day he’s been waiting for all year: he’s practiced his status over and over, trying to maximize his wit to get those all-important Facebook likes. With today being the biggest sports day in America, which is also essentially viewed as a cultural holiday, Farnes has protested numerous times over the years, citing, “I hate football. My life doesn’t revolve around a bunch of millionaires catching a ball.”
And now, it’s Farnes’ big day.
After binge watching some Doctor Who to get his head in the game, he’s settled on “Is There Some Kind of Big Sportsball Match Today?” Taking a sip from his large Mountain Dew, Farnes give a smug smile, “I like the sportsball nod, it makes the whole notion that I’m unaware of the cultural zeitgeist that much more fluid.”
When asked what he planned to do with his Sunday night, Farnes offered, “I’m gonna get together with my friend Benny. He’s big into soccer. He likes to remind people that real football is played with your feet and a net, not a bunch of bros in helmets smashing one another head-on. I’d have to agree. I think we’re going to go to Olive Garden. All you can eat breadsticks are my jam.”
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So, on this Superbowl Sunday, Darrell Farnes will chomp down on his alfredo-soaked noodles while the rest of the country hopes once again that Tom Brady will not win another ring. But, he did stick it to everyone with that “sportsball” quip.
Here’s to you, Sportsball Man, you won the Internet and showed us how to party with fast-casual faux Italian cuisine. Because you don’t celebrate a testosterone-fueled barbaric ritual of machismo – cheers, to you and your pasta with extra cheese. We salute you.
