Roll out the HillBots. Blow the conch shell horn to assemble to the Bernie Bros. Somebody call CNN. Alert Wikileaks. Call the FBI. Activate the social media justice warriors. Lock the barn door. Hide under your covers. It’s official: The Russians have hacked the Stanley Cup Final.
You don’t think Russian president and resident 80s-movie antagonist Vladmir Putin hasn’t used his strategic hacking program to alter the crossbar, slowly melt the ice under the feet of each Golden Knight, all while undermining the greatest feel-good story since the United States National Men’s Hockey Team embarrassed the former Soviet Union in the 1980 Winter Olympics?
Silly child. Welcome to “The Colder War.”
There can be no other feasible explanation as to why the Golden Knights went from losing just three postseason games to three games in just one series, and potentially a fourth, here in the Stanley Cup Final. Perhaps Robert Mueller and his crew can look into this theory, after all, it’s in the nation’s capital, a cesspool of corruption, greed, late-night anonymous Tinder hookups, and Russian spies everywhere.
It’s almost as if the Russians inserted one of their own into the first line of the Mighty Ducks so Gordon Bombay’s squad would lose and never get a sequel. Far fetched, you say? The Capitals roster is comprised of at least nine Russian players (we know about), and more we don’t.
Washington’s Evgeny Kuznetsov, who leads the playoffs in scoring after adding four assists in a 6-2 win over Vegas, has been the Rocky-equivalent to Ivan Drago the entire postseason. The 26-year-old center from Chelyabinsk, Russia, has been nearly impossible to contain (12 G, 19 A, 31 total points).
What? You thought Moscow-born Washington Capitals left winger Alex Ovechkin came here to become a hockey great? Silly flat-earther. He’s been a “NHL Manchurian candidate” for decades now, sent to the US to destroy democracy from inside the rink. Ovechkin has 14 goals, 12 assists with an impressive 26 total points scored in the postseason.
There’s no way the guy came here just to play the sport he loves, giving all of himself, year after year, in search of the beloved Stanley Cup.
Nerp. Impossible. Doesn’t make sense.
Inside sources tell me Braden Holtby isn’t actually from Canada but was, instead, snatched from the Saskatoon Blades and slowly brainwashed, alongside Bucky Barnes — aka The Winter Soldier, in a research facility in Siberia. After Game 1, I’m sure his handler came in and read a bunch of random words from a overly-large red book to activate The Summer Soldier. Holtby hasn’t given up a crucial goal since. In fact, Holtby defended 28 of 30 shots in Game 4, and 86 of 91 Vegas attempts since allowing five goals in Game 1.
“Ready to comply, comrade.”
Just like the 2016 election, the losses Ovechkin and his Russian teammates have delved out definitely couldn’t have anything to them simply running a better offense and defense, but — if the Democratic National Committee is going to blame Russians for their upset loss to an Orange Cheeto in an election a silent canned ham could’ve easily won — maybe Vegas can also use this weak excuse to make us also feel better about the loss.
Or, perhaps, Golden Knights fans will maturely own up to the fact that the Capitals have run the series better than their own team, the Knights haven’t executed a strong game plan, and the Capitals won because they were simply the better team. That’d probably be the most mature and logical reasoning but who said logic and reasoning existed in this social media-ruled world we live in? Until then, let’s follow the current trend of yelling ‘Murica and blame someone other than those who lost.
Might at least help us sleep at night.
