The world is quickly figuring out just how highly LaVar Ball thinks of his three sons. The eldest, Lonzo, is preparing to lead UCLA into the upcoming NCAA tournament. He’s also projected to be a lottery pick in the upcoming 2017 NBA Draft. According to his father, he’s a no-brainer to be taken with the #1 overall pick. Lonzo’s younger brothers, LiAngelo and LaMelo, are already turning heads. LiAngelo, currently a senior in high school, already signed to follow Lonzo to UCLA. LaMelo, just a sophomore, has verbally committed to UCLA.

Got His Goat

But it’s not just the Ball boys with great basketball skills. At least, that’s the way LaVar sees it. The loud and opinionated father is on the record saying he believes Lonzo will be better than reigning NBA MVP Steph Curry. LaVar just topped that in a recent interview with USA Today, claiming that he could beat Michael Jordan in a game of one-on-one.

…Yeah. That Michael Jordan. The Michael Jordan.

“Back in my heyday, I would kill Michael Jordan one-on-one. I would just back [Jordan] in and lift him off the ground and call a foul every time he fouls me when I do a jump hook to the right or the left. He cannot stop me one-on-one. He better make every shot ’cause he can’t go around me. He’s not fast enough. And he can only make so many shots outside before I make every bucket under the rim.” – LaVar Ball

…What. I’m not even going to dignify that ridiculousness with a response. All I’ll say is that I hope so desperately that Jordan has a response, and that response is accepting LaVar’s challenge. And for that challenge – and ensuing spanking – to be televised. Heck, make it a pay per view event if you want. I’d pay top dollar to see that.

Big Money, Big Money, Big Money!

If that insanity wasn’t enough, LaVar also told Josh Peters in this USA Today interview that he wants to package his three sons together in a marketing deal for either Nike, Adidas or Under Armour. His asking price for the whole package? Just a cool billion.

“A billion dollars, it has to be there. That’s our number, a billion, straight out of the gate. And you don’t even have to give it to me all up front. Give us $100 mil[lion] over 10 years.” – LaVar Ball

The NBA’s biggest stars – names like LeBron James, Kevin Durant, Steph Curry and James Harden – have endorsement deals worth hundreds of millions of dollars spanning several years. So Ball’s three sons together earning $1 billion isn’t theoretically impossible. But here’s the thing: none of them have played a single NBA game. We have no idea if their professional careers will pan out. Is it possible that all three will be good enough to play on the big stage? Definitely. But all three being good enough to command superstar-level endorsement money? That’s unknowable right now.

Sure, LeBron signed a huge deal with Nike (7 years, $90 million) before he was drafted by Cleveland in 2003. He was also dubbed “The Chosen One” as a junior in high school. And that was back in a simpler time before every other mediocre prospect took over social media because of one impressive display of talent. LaVar Ball can talk all he wants, and sports outlets can shove highlights of all three sons down our throats. But the likelihood of any of the three turning into the next LeBron James? Slim to none.

LaVar Ball is taking crazy pills, people. Be advised: if you cross paths with this nightmarish stage parent, have your wits about you. And maybe tell him to cool it with this nonsense.

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